It All Falls Down ; Falling Apart & Off The Wagon At The Same Damn Time

My apartment does not really have a lot of closet space, this might be one of the many contributing factors to the rent being so low. To remedy this lack of closet space I’ve invested hundreds of dollars in storage compartments, hampers, shelving units etc., All in an attempt to organize our stuff in a the small space we share. And every time I do this, every time I have installed a shelf, or a rack, or put together some type of Container Store contraption, it has failed.  Every Damn Time. I’ll be sitting in the living room, and hear a sudden thud, only to look and discover that my closet shelf has collapsed or my ‘durable’ stand alone wardrobe has folded into itself. I cannot begin to explain how frustrating and demoralizing this is. No matter how many fervent attempts to get this place organized, it fails. Earlier this week, as I was doing the carefully choreographed dance I do to navigate the clothing & Lego landmine field that is my son’s room, (we’ve gone though 3 toy organizers and one massive storage lego head that is missing a top) and it dawned on me. This is my life. Those ragged nails protruding from the flat wall surface, the scrapped and marred dry wall displaying the history of the gradual downfall of my Ikea floating shelves it’s all indicative of the many failed attempts to organize and make sense of my life. I’ve tried and I’ve failed, and I’ve tried again and I’ve failed and then I said F*ck It. There’s so much ‘F*ck It’ in my home, so much F*ck It in my life it’s ridiculous. It’s like my apartment is one big art installation displaying the  constant battle between woman ,effort and failure, concluded by a resounding visual display that leaves the viewer confident that our I left the scene saying  “F*ck Effort”.

Which brings us to the 60 Day Challenge. This past week and a half has sucked, I mean I got hit with this random “residual” Com Ed bill where they finally calculated my actual usage rate as opposed to their previous estimates and I owed them waaaay more money than I had planned, my son’s birthday is less than 2 weeks away, and I have promised a party, and a tablet, and shoes, there are graduations and bills , and food, and  other birthday’s and bills, and then it’s “Hey Rent!” . The money I did save for his B-Day all went to the vet bill of this 4 legged furry angel

Spendin All Your Money On Me, Up on me, on me

who managed to get his whole backside gnawed on by God knows what resulting in hundreds in vet treatments.

June is not even here and I am dreading it’s arrival. When I stress I don’t eat, and on the rare occasion I do have an appetite I crave chocolate and other greasy indulgences. Then I don’t sleep, I haven’t went to bed before 1 am in the past 2 weeks. Needless to say neither of these behaviors inspire nor fuel much energy to workout. So here I am. The pattern rears it’s ugly unaccomplished yet again. So now that I’ve recognized it, I acknowledge it. Now what?

I’ve decided that I need to call Alicia to check in when I complete my workouts, we said we started this to create an environment of accountability but actually creating that atmosphere and thriving off of it is proving to involve more work then I thought.  There are two things I’m tired  of

1. I’m tired of it taking forever for me to find anything in this God forsaken apartment, and looking at the organizational ruins that is my closet

2. I’m tired of not following through with so much of what I wish to accomplish

Alicia and I have discussed implementing this thing called “F&F Friday Check In” where we and our readers post something we did that week that takes us one step closer to our physical and/or financial goals. For some reason it hasn’t happened yet, and it needs to. In the meanwhile I’ll be checking in where ever and with whomever will listen. I’m writing this on Monday, Memorial Day. And yes you guessed it, I have not worked out. More than likely I’ll be going over my budget, and pouring some of this Svedka Vodka my Mom left over my house into my iced tea, and watching pirated movies on my laptop till I fall asleep. But tomorrow, Tuesday 5/28/13 I plan on posting on my twitter, and on our FB wall that I have completed the Monday workout that day. Failure doesn’t scare me, it’s the reluctance to hop back on the wagon and see these missions through, that has proven the most destructive, and I can no longer afford it.